Lost at Sea

At 25, is it really okay to feel lost? Looking back at my younger days, I have high hopes and dreams, plans that are so dreamy I could almost choose not to wake up.
Then boom, you wake up in your alcohol-drenched clothes, feeling like shit, looking like shit and living like shit in your shimmering 25 year old days that are slowly passing by, going down the drain.

Some people say, at 25 you should've at least reached somewhere. Bought something prolific, made your name quite memorable to a few. But I think now that I have hit that number, that was the  most stereotypical shit I have ever heard. That's one of the main reason why many people hit the ground so hard and stare depression right in its face. Expectations so high you didn't even make for yourself. Standards set by the society for us to comply with and base our way of living with.

At 23, I built my own travel agency, because of my high dreams and unrealistic expectations of myself. Well let's not overlook the fact that I really wanted something to do with traveling, being it as how I I've always wanted to live my life since my younger days. Not to mention I hate the routin-ary lifestyle, if that's even a word. 9-5 doesn't really apply to me at all, especially living in a 2x2 cubicle eight hours a day. I tried working at an office for half a year and it was one of the darkest era of my life.

I tried to go into marketing and events. Tried places where I feel I can finally fit with the bustling lifestyle I was looking for. But after like fifty something companies had turned me down, I finally felt like I had to give up the golden corporate dream. Not to mention I felt like shit afterwards.

Where is this young, bright and inspired woman I knew before. The girl that is going to go places. The girl who will rule the world. I'm looking everywhere only to find her in the corner of a cramped bar drinking her dreams away.

Fast forward a year and a half,  life was still a blur. Even blurrier than before. Pitch black at times. The business ain't doin' that good, we lost our home, on the verge of losing our family business, mom got sick, got no money for medication, rented a fairly good place but with shitty high rates, and everything else is falling apart as well.

Some say keep swimming, hold on to friends, have fun out there. That's exactly what I did. I had an alter life, so colorful, rainbows and butterflies and all that bull. But the more alive my alter life becomes, the more dead I become in my real life. I tried to cope with life by traveling and going out, drinking my life away. I tried to cope with my friends and the shit they wanna do. I tried to fit in. But at the end of the day, I kept on dying.

I felt like it's always them than me. Opportunities are always given to other people, and I'm always just the spectator to their success. It's always me, building something for myself and some shit always comes to wreck it down and put me back to my spectator's seat. Life feels like a never ending whirlwind of fucked-up events. When I started my business, I felt like that was the beginning of a better life. I'm starting anew. And I have embraced the changes. I'm brimming with positivity. Not knowing, that only after a year, life will be knocking at my door with all the tools needed to destroy my fragile life once again.

I wanted to laugh at how my 15 and 20 year-old self felt like it was the end of the world, not knowing that the world will continue to end many times in the future. Sometimes ending daily. It's like a never ending dream, where you always wake up in another dream. Not knowing if you're really awake or still lost in the abyss.

So I think, that this is how it's gonna be? You keep swimming until your mind and body can't go on anymore. You swim and you swim and when you find a piece of haven,you try to rest and call it home. You let life take over until it brings you back to sea.